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What Not to Say When Talking to Your Loved One About an Assisted Living Move
Talking to an aging loved one about the idea of an assisted living move can be a tricky, but necessary, conversation. No one loves the thought of leaving their home, and many seniors may have preconceived notions about what to expect from senior living communities. They may feel defensive, or even surprised by the suggestion.
When approaching the topic, it’s important to handle the conversation with care, as you and your loved one will likely be managing mixed emotions. What you do say should be tailored to your loved one’s circumstances and communication style, and shared from a place of love and concern. But what you don’t say should also be given plenty of thought! In this article, we’ll look at what not to say when talking with a senior loved one about assisted living. Ease into the conversation with empathy with our guidance below.
Starting Off on the Right Foot
Discussing the possibility of an assisted living move with your senior loved one often takes more than just one conversation, but starting the conversation off on the right foot matters. While there may not be an ideal time to bring up the topic, choose a calm moment to start the discussion, preferably when everyone is rested and in good spirits. Keep an open mind and commit to listening well.
As much as possible, use open-ended questions that allow your loved one to share their thoughts and perspective. Then, do your best to avoid the phrases below…
“You should…”
As families grow older and adult children witness their parents moving toward their elder years, it can often feel as though the parent-child relationship reverses. Children or grandchildren who relied on their older loved one may now take on the caregiver role while their loved one becomes more dependent on them or others. This dynamic might be your family’s new normal and can influence the interactions you have with your senior loved one.
However, while it’s important to care for your loved one’s needs, approaching the assisted living conversation through the lens of this dynamic is usually unhelpful. Positioning yourself as their parent and telling them what they should do, rather than listening to what they want, can cause unnecessary friction when trying to navigate this topic.
Avoid telling your loved one what they should think, decide, or do, and don’t speak over or for them. While you likely have the best intentions, your loved one may feel unheard or invalidated if they think you disregard their opinion. Guide the conversation with curiosity-driven questions, such as “How do you feel about your current living situation?” and “What’s your opinion on senior living communities?”
Present your loved one with each option equally. If it feels like you’ve already made up your mind on their behalf, this can still feel as though you’re telling them what to do.
“You’re becoming a burden.”
Most of us would never dream of saying anything like this to our senior loved ones. However, it’s important to avoid comments that might inadvertently imply it, whether through their content or tone.
For some of us, taking on a caregiver role we were not expecting or ready for might indeed feel burdensome. Caregiver burnout, resentment, and exhaustion are real issues that should not be minimized or discounted. While these feelings of being burdened can be valid, be mindful not to let them overshadow the assisted living conversation.
Avoid focusing the conversation on what you do for them or how you feel. Instead, pay attention to how they feel about their current daily routine and actively listen to any concerns about their health or abilities.
“Your health is failing.”
Health and independence are often front and center when discussing assisted living, and for good reason. Changes in a loved one’s daily needs can impact their ability to manage their care. When this happens, gently discussing these changes is key, as it can be difficult for your loved one to admit when they need assistance. Not only does it acknowledge a loss of independence, but it can also affect their mental and emotional state.
Directly stating that a loved one’s health “is failing” can make them feel attacked, as if you’re suggesting they can no longer take care of themselves. Instead, ask them to discuss the daily struggles they face and any support that could make things easier.
If there is memory loss or an obvious health concern, but your loved one is unaware or in denial, it’s okay to enlist the help of a professional. A trusted physician, a senior care advisor, or other provider may be able to encourage your loved one to consider extra assistance, whether that involves in-home care or a move to an assisted living or memory care community.
“You need to make a decision right now.”
Sometimes, unexpected health issues or other sudden circumstances can, unfortunately, make a quick move to senior living necessary. In general, however, it’s best not to rush your loved one. The decision to move into an assisted living community, or not, is a significant one. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it’s likely that your senior loved one will not make up their mind in one either.
Take it slow and have multiple conversations with your loved one about what they envision for their future. Perhaps the first conversation can investigate their general thoughts and feelings about assisted living, the second can involve how they would feel about personally moving into assisted living, and so on. Be willing to start the conversation early and give them the time and space to process their thoughts. Pressuring them to decide quickly might push them to choose an option before they’re ready or make a decision that doesn’t meet their actual needs.
Avoid Excessive Negatives and Closed-Ended Questions
While taking an honest look at your loved one’s health and situation is essential, it’s important to avoid highlighting problems to the point of being pessimistic or depressing. Many seniors already have reservations about senior living, such as the fear of losing their autonomy, and the last thing you want to do is add to those feelings. Similarly, avoid asking too many questions that can only be answered with “yes” or “no,” as these can discourage genuine and productive discussions.
Do your research beforehand so you can enter the conversation with the knowledge needed to weigh your different options. This can make it easier to discuss common misconceptions about senior living communities and answer any questions that your loved one may have.
Lead with empathy and ensure that your commitment to supporting your loved one shines through. Even if they’re far from making a decision about an assisted living move, knowing that they can depend on you along the journey can be reassuring.
And remember—if your loved one is not ready to commit to a move, a trial or respite stay may be the perfect option. This opportunity gives prospective residents the experience of senior living—a maintenance-free lifestyle, services and amenities, essential social connections, and access to support—without a long-term commitment.
Unsure how to start the conversation about senior living with your loved one? Check out The Landings at Canton Hills’ valuable free resources and subscribe to our blog to learn more about what to expect and how to make the best choice for your family. Or schedule a visit today and experience the many benefits of life in our Georgia assisted living and memory care community.
